Kansas, Summer '06, Afternoon
Some days are for rambling.
My feet lead me out into the fields away from anything that wreaks of human touch. Past the roads and houses, over fences and walking trails, I tread. Carefully I pick my steps. I refuse to settle for the man-made peace of parks.
I pick my steps carefully, no wild flowers will bend under my weight.
In my mind I'm running desperately. Looking for a place to call my own, somewhere I can silence the accusers which have taken up residence like malicious hitchhikers in my head with the more potent silence of quiet and unaffected life; that is, life devoid of the thoughts and whispers which occupy the human existence.
Stopping now. The sleeping brook speaks, but its unconscious words are peacefully happy. Content. What a concept.
A nervous frog eyes me suspiciously. I smile disarmingly, "Don't worry, I have no desire to disturb," despite my effort at reassurance, the frog dives for the cool safety of the dark waters.
There's a flash of lethal power in the depths of the pool. Some terrible struggle beneath the water's roiling surface. A long, black whip slices out of the water with horrible strength and speed and disappears again.
Then the combatants rise. The snake has its jaws locked on the struggling creature. They thrash and roll, splashing angry water. I'm mesmerized with horror. And then the violence is diminishing. The snake's grip on the frog's head is a death trap. His fight for life grows weaker; his flailing kicks coming with less and less frequency. Hope and strength are fading fast. My lungs are burning. I try to scream my despair. Can't. Realize I've been holding my breath. I gasp and choke, breaking the iron grip on my throat. I want to throw up.
The frog is finally still. Hopeless or dead. It's the same thing.
The snake sinks down with its prey.
I sit absolutely still. And what was I thinking? That I could somehow run faster than the curse that rides me? Thought I could leave my Midas touch behind me? That life's insanity resided somewhere outside of me?
I can't escape humanity because I am human. I will carry the toxin of my existence where ever I roam. And it will drift and snake across the ground to poison anything within my reach.
A nervous frog eyes me suspiciously. I smile disarmingly, "Don't worry, I have no desire to disturb," despite my effort at reassurance, the frog dives for the cool safety of the dark waters.
There's a flash of lethal power in the depths of the pool. Some terrible struggle beneath the water's roiling surface. A long, black whip slices out of the water with horrible strength and speed and disappears again.
Then the combatants rise. The snake has its jaws locked on the struggling creature. They thrash and roll, splashing angry water. I'm mesmerized with horror. And then the violence is diminishing. The snake's grip on the frog's head is a death trap. His fight for life grows weaker; his flailing kicks coming with less and less frequency. Hope and strength are fading fast. My lungs are burning. I try to scream my despair. Can't. Realize I've been holding my breath. I gasp and choke, breaking the iron grip on my throat. I want to throw up.
The frog is finally still. Hopeless or dead. It's the same thing.
The snake sinks down with its prey.
I sit absolutely still. And what was I thinking? That I could somehow run faster than the curse that rides me? Thought I could leave my Midas touch behind me? That life's insanity resided somewhere outside of me?
I can't escape humanity because I am human. I will carry the toxin of my existence where ever I roam. And it will drift and snake across the ground to poison anything within my reach.
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ReplyDeleteYou're calling me absurd; I wish you believed me.
ReplyDeleteWe all have a much harder time seeing ourselves through eyes that aren't fogged by our own judgement on ourselves.
You're right though - we can't escape humanity, no matter how fast we run.. because we are human. But we can be saved from it. You know more truth than so many others who profess to be stronger.
I'm still praying you'll stop fighting and begin giving up your struggle...I wish you would just let go.
But basically, I still think you are the best, regardless of whether or not you join my NM stupidity. At least you are realistic. :P